The FIFA soundtrack, reviewed

Clive Bayley is an opera singer who has never played FIFA. We asked him to review its soundtrack anyway.

Attaboy! founder James Bayley (yes, relation) has asked me to review ten tracks from the new FIFA 2027 football game (now, I’m told, called EA Sports FC 27), which apparently play whenever the gamer isn’t actually playing, from the menus to the manager mode.

As an opera singer with a passion for classical music, I am probably the least qualified person for this task. But here goes.

COLORS COLLIDE by French 79

Hints of Philip Glass here to begin with. Title suggests that it may be appropriate for those taking on Sunderland at home. A little anodyne but ideal background muzak. (4)

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DANCE DANCE DANCE! by Barry Can’t Swim

A slight Eurovision vibe here and in French to boot. Excellent choice for those taking PSG to their 49th Ligue 1 title in 2061. I rather liked it. (5)

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HUSBAND by Blossoms

This one grows on you. Slightly retro feel. However, as the main refrain is “I’m a husband now”, probably not the right vibe for most FIFA gamers. Not too shabby either. (4)

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WHAT YOU WANT (FCUKERS REMIX) by Angèle and Justice

Another entry from France. Well, Belgium. Too much extraneous electronic noise for me. I would be pressing the mute button (is that possible?) whilst deciding whether Thierry should be leading a 4-5-1. (1)

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DYING IN REVERSE by Cage the Elephant

Deffo top of the list for those threatened by relegation. Morose. “Sometimes I wish I could blow my mind right out of my head” “I feel like I am dying”. Couldn’t agree more. Make it stop. (0)

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ÇA FAIT PAS MAL by Squeezie

Er, I beg to differ. But no it’s not. More from France and this time French (c)rap. (1)

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LONELY IN THE FUTURE by The Strokes

Found this annoying straightaway. Is this the only group I have heard of in this list? Not sure. Maybe there was another The Strokes in the seventies. Pressing skip to next. (1)

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CANCEL ME (I’M TIRED) by Fat Dog

This is the one for the “all-nighter”. I rather like the lyrics here: “Like a wart on my dick” “Why don’t you suck my M and M’s?” Etc., etc. Probably why FIFA 2027 is now rated 16. (5)

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HARDCORE by Max Baby

Another ‘downer’ track for those spiralling into the lower leagues. “What do you think of when you’re alone?” In manager mode, I imagine that’s most of the time. (1)

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EL HOMBRE PLANETA by Alcalá Norte

This from Spain I think? It is apparently riffing on Paganini’s deal with the devil for a sixth finger (handy for gamers). Again it’s classic Eurovision. An extra mark for the classical music reference. (3)

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And there we have it.

Obviously I have never heard of any of the above artists. Could any be AI? Surely that would be the way to go? Cheaper, and frankly who is listening anyway?

Personally, if I were in ‘manager mode’ I would be hitting the mute button as I decide whether to sell Fernandes to Atlético or play Maguire up front for that all-important League Cup clash at Crewe Alexandra.

Or if there has to be some music, maybe Bach’s Art of Fugue or a couple of Palestrina Masses to ease the mind. Both are as far removed as possible from what I have just heard, and far more calming and intellectually stimulating.

Apologies to all artists concerned.

All scores are out of five.

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Clive Bayley is a Manchester-born bass. This season he appears in Doctor Atomic at the Bayerische Staatsoper in Munich and Kátya Kabanová at the Royal Ballet and Opera, Covent Garden. He is also the music critic for Attaboy!

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